Why You Might Be Asking the Wrong Question About Suicide

The question gets asked over and over again in the wake of a suicide. It goes something like this, “How could he decide to kill himself?”

 

3267560_stdI heard people ask this dozens of times in various forms when Robin Williams died. And when Ned Vizzini, author of It’s Kindof a Funny Story (and other fabulous books), took his life last year. And when David Foster Wallace died in 2008. And I may have even asked this myself a few times when two students I knew killed themselves a few years ago and one of my closest friends attempted to.

Often, the question is preceded by the statement, “I just don’t understand.” As in, “I just don’t understand. How could he decide to kill himself?”

I know I’ve said this because I didn’t understand, but then I thought about it —not the reasons why Williams, or Vizzini, or DFW, or anyone else killed themselves (we’ll probably never know that). I thought about the question itself, and why it’s so often asked. And why it might not be the right question to ask at all.

its-kind-of-a-funny-story.17034There are two things going on in this question. The first is an expression of disbelief and incomprehension “I just don’t understand…”. In this public expression of disbelief, there’s often an attempt to distance one’s self from the act of suicide. The shadows lurking beneath the statement “I just don’t understand” are I don’t want to understand. I’m not someone who can understand. Or… I don’t want to be dragged down into understanding. It’s easier to dismiss suicide as incomprehensible than to grapple with the complexity of suicide.

And then there’s the second part, the question “how could he decide to kill himself?” As if a person wakes up one day and suddenly decides to end his or her life. And herein lies the crucial aspect of suicide that I think we so often don’t want to understand, but need to.

When I hear this question now (“How could he decide to kill himself?”), I want to tell the asker “You might be looking at it the wrong way.” The question isn’t how someone could decide to kill himself, but how he or she was able to decide not to do so for so many years.

 

www.ToddMitchellBooks

Travel backwards long enough and all wounds healed.

I know that may sound grim, but I also know from talking with several people who have attempted suicide (as well as reflecting on my own experiences as a human being who sometimes gets depressed, and writing Backwards, a novel that addresses suicide in a very unusual not-sad way), that people who kill themselves, or attempt to, often live with the idea for a very long time. And in order to keep on living, they have to wake up every day and decide not to kill themselves. They have to wake and find a reason to live. It’s constant, and it can be exhausting —a bit like a recovering alcoholic who needs to decide every day not to drink.

And then one day, they might not be able to find a reason not to do it anymore. Perhaps the burden feels too great, or they get bad news that pushes them a tiny bit further over the edge. Perhaps they’re simply too exhausted to keep going.

This is the guy who made me want to be a writer.

This is the guy who made me want to be a writer.

I think this exhaustion often happens to brilliant, creative, compassionate people like Robin Williams, and Ned Vizzini, and David Foster Wallace (whose speech on the meaning of life is the most beautiful commencement speech I’ve ever heard), because compassion and insight into others often comes through knowing suffering. And knowing suffering can be exhausting.

There’s a saying in Buddhism that “A Bodhisattva walks through the world with a broken heart.” (I don’t know who to attribute this saying to, but I’ve heard it said many times, and I often find solace in it). Think, for a moment, of how many of our greatest artists, leaders, and visionaries are “broken hearted,” because, as my friend Jill Salahub once wrote, “hearts get broken open.”

It’s a fine balance between being compassionate, open-hearted and even blissful because you allow yourself to feel suffering in the world, and being overwhelmed by suffering. And it’s no secret that many writers, actors, comedians and other artists often walk too close to the edge between the two. Writers and artists need empathy and openness to create. And comedians often develop their comedy as a coping strategy, because of the suffering they feel and observe (other’s have written about this with more detail than I can, like this article on Cracked about how comedians are often deeply depressed). Then sometimes, the scale tips from bliss to suffering. You get exhausted. You stumble near the edge.

TheFisherKingRobinWilliamsPTSonyPicturesDon’t get me wrong –I’m not saying that artists, writers, actors, comedians or anyone else for that matter need to be depressed and self-destructive in order to be creative. On the contrary, that’s a myth I want to dispel. I think there are plenty of happy, healthy, brilliant writers and artists. Personally, I do my best work when I’m happy. And I know that in order to keep creating and to maximize my creativity, I need to find and maintain healthy balance in my life. But I also know that many writers and artists struggle with depression. Many people do. For a great many of us, it’s part of life.

Unless you understand what carrying around that burden of depression is like — how difficult it can be to make the decision over and over again to live, and how hard it can be to do the constant work of finding a reason to go on, even on the crappy days — then you probably won’t understand why people kill themselves.

But I think a lot of people do understand this, and that’s why it’s so important that we choose openness and compassion over anger and closing the door to understanding. Because when people kill themselves, they often think it’s the noble thing, or the only thing, left to do. It isn’t either, but when you’re in that hole, it can be awfully hard to see a way out.

That’s how we can help each other —by finding a way in. By seeking ways to understand and give a person a hand up, rather than pushing them away or dismissing their situation as incomprehensible. It can be as simple as asking a person how they’re doing, and being open to hearing the answer —the honest answer. And it can mean valuing each other and being there for each other in the happy times as well as the times when the scale tips the wrong way and suffering starts to outweigh bliss. We need to be aware that when we say “I don’t understand” what’s often heard is “I don’t want to understand.”

Anger and shutting the door to understanding with statements like “I don’t understand” (or worse, public statements of anger and ridicule like some talking heads made in the wake of Robin William’s death) won’t do much to help others and prevent suicide. But trying to understand, and developing compassion and openness to others, will help.

The Fisher King –If you haven’t seen it, go now and do so.

At least that’s the way I’ve started to look at it. And that’s why the question I’ve now started to ask after someone I know, or someone famous, kills themselves, goes something like this:

“I wonder what could have been done to help them? I wonder what I can do now to help others?”

 

 

 

(If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255. There are people there 24 hours a day who really want to talk with you. They do! You’re worth it, and you’re not alone.)

Comments

  1. Thanks, Todd, for your insightful post. The question you posed, ” how he or she was able to decide not to do so for so many years” brought tears to my eyes. It is a struggle, and the pain of depression can be intense. Bringing more compassion to our attitude toward others is always a good idea, and builds understanding.

  2. People often label suicide as a “cowards” way out. (I know. . .that’s what I initially thought of my brother-in-law. But one thing is for sure: I don’t have the courage to end my own life. My reasons may be different than yours, but it’s still something I don’t have the courage to do. Ironically, much of my best work is done when I’ve experienced grief, loss, etc. and take the time to internalize, recognize and accept “this is how I feel.” So I get the depression/creativity link.

    Unless someone outright tells you why they are killing themselves, we will never know. But to grasp the concept that “life is better without me,” that “I am better without life,” and then have the strength to carry out the task shows that the person has the strength to pull themselves out of that “hole.” We need to ask, confront, support, and risk being more scared than we have ever been before, to help those who are considering suicide. There are no easy answers. But there is life and I believe that (life) is what those who are on the edge, fear most.

  3. Todd,
    Thanks. I have known a number of young people who have attempted suicide and a few others who have succeeded. I think your questions are right on target: “I wonder what could have been done to help them? I wonder what I can do now to help others?”

  4. Eric Easley says:

    Todd,
    Great thoughts, as always, and thank you for them! I really liked your comparison to the addict or recovering alcoholic. As one myself, I know that oftentimes alcoholics and addicts are smart people who, unfortunately, have detected something about the world, or about people, that deeply disturbs and unsettles them, that often cannot be expressed in a way that others understand or relate to, and that we try to run away from, hide from, or bury in ourselves after long years of attempting to express it or change it. Sometimes we lash out. Sometimes we drink it, and ourselves, into oblivion. And sometimes we seek a long, slow death from our addictions as it’s the only way we can find to cope with what we repeatedly see on a daily basis. Some recover, but many cannot and are often seen, by those who cannot, or will not, see what the addict sees about the world, about people, or about themselves, as not having the willpower or strength to escape back into some kind of “happy, normal life.” I think this, and the mindset of “boot-strapping” oneself by will out of these issues, is a lot like what occurs with the suicidal mindset. I also know that many comedians, writers, and other artists, detect these kinds of things and somehow have the gift of being able to express some of it, though never all of it. In my experience, what often allows for healing is just simply stopping and listening. There have been powerful moments in my life when others, you included, have listened to me trying to express what I see, hear, or feel about the world and, honestly, tried to listen, to understand, to see, even when they could not. Those moments matter. Those moments have helped me recover. And I see those moments reflected in your post…what could I have done to help? Maybe stopping and listening is the most we can do.

  5. Edna Pontillo says:

    Yours is exactly the question. I’ve had a good friend who has lived with debilitating depression for twenty years or more. Sometimes she likens it to being an alcoholic. “Just for today, I won’t…” She is so brave. If her struggle was with cancer, people would be more willing, I believe, to take time, to listen, to try to understand, or simply to be present. Perhaps even if her battle was with addiction,perhaps people would stop and think before they mindlessly “re-post” old adages out loud.

    Thanks for reminding us that we can help be part of someone’s healing, if only for the time it takes to listen.

  6. Thank you Laura, Dean, John, Eric, and Edna for your comments. It means a lot to me that you took the time to read the post and respond. And your responses help to shed light and increase understanding about this difficult, and often all too-relevant, issue. I greatly appreciate it.

    Be well,

    T.

  7. How could he go so many years deciding to live while suffering? I like that question a lot, but in the end, the lesson I learned from Robin Williams is that my life matters and what I do with it matters. I can write my books, I can do my marketing, I can reach out to the world, and I can give back. Today, I am deciding to live despite the suffering.

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